Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Still Waiting...

Okay, so there's totally truth to the me blogging when I should be studying thing. I have my last final today and then my semester is done! I feel ready, but a co-worker and I were reminiscing about the good old days when test taking was drawing a line from one definition to another or True and False questions. I'm actually much better at writing, but there's something daunting about having to write all there's in to know about one subject as your TEST. Well, here goes nothing!

As I was taking a break from studying, I took a little walk to clear my head. There is a path behind the Dominican House of Studies that co-workers and I often walk to get some exercise and get out of the office. This is usually my place where Jesus and I have 'The Talks'. They usually go like this:

"So, I'm still here, Jesus! Still waiting! Still walking! ANY DAY NOW, Jesus!"

And then I get nothing, which isn't surprising because who wants to respond to whiny non-sense like that.

Unless I calm myself and surrender, then He gives me a little something to work with. And it can't be a surrender like in a shake my fists or throw my hands up kind of way. But like, lay my hands down way. Oooo...that's good.

I kind of sorta did that today. And I kind of sorta got an answer.

My friends have been SO GREAT with humoring me in this 'waiting' process, btw. I get tired of speaking about it, so I'm sure they get tired of hearing about it! But they are so patient with me. Just today, a friend reminded me via facebook- "I'm sure God has something great planned for you!"

And I wrote him back as I usually do: "Thanks, I know. If only God would clue me in soon!" But I really did appreciate the sentiment. And I am starting to approach this time a little differently, more positively, lately.

The other day, I was praying with Scripture and I found a letter stuck in my Bible I had printed out. It was from a sister I had sought out when I was discerning leaving the convent. I didn't have printed what I originally wrote her, but I'm sure I was addressing my concerns about the sitting around alot and not feeling like I was actually DOING any mission. I wanted to be used for mission! And God was asking me to wait! This was not what I signed up for!

She asked me if I could handle being "hidden" like Christ was before His ministry. This has been a theme for a lot of my friends, it seems, in our late 20's early 30's. We are ready for that next step, but this seems to be a "hidden" phase.

Funny how I left and I'm still in this phase of my walk with Jesus. Shows He'll get you one way or another! It was the right thing, no doubt, I feel much free-er even in my 'waiting' now than I did there. This is clearly what God wants for me, but it still includes the waiting piece.

We can't understand this in our culture since we are so uber-productive as a society. As I was pacing the path behind our office, one of the Dominicans was walking in front of me. SUPER. SLOWLY. It made me think how peaceful it is just to walk with Jesus, not to have to rush through to get to the next destination. Somehow I can't apply this to my own life, though (I quickly made a hard right to get off of the path- I couldn't bring myself to pass him ;)

If only we looked at the beauty of the in between more often. We are clearly in good company. As I mentioned, Jesus was hidden until age 30-33. We don't know much about His 'formative' years. We don't know much about Mary or Joseph either. They certainly had many formative actions with Jesus before the high drama of His ministry hit. We are all about the drama, the spotlight- myself included.

I think it's hard to take joy in the in-betweens because we DON'T hear much about it. We don't know what is happening in this time, we just see the aftermath. But again, that puts us in good company. When I'm walking around the path yelling to Jesus: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING NOW!" We don't know much about what He was doing at this time in His life either. It's a big secret. And so it is with us, apparently. I guess this is another (er, cool?) way of Him uniting ourselves to Him.

This time of Advent is a good time to just focus on the journey, since we are all- as I've mentioned before- just waiting for Heaven. I know I'll be trying to focus on the company I'm keeping. Thanks for being on the journey with me!



molly said...

Beautiful post, Julia. Thank you for sharing it.

Shannon said...

thank you for this!!! I needed to read this tonight. Just lovely.

Chosen1 said...

I feel your heart... I'm right now in the beginning stages of vocation discernment at the ripe old age of 37 (yes... catch your jaw) and I have many loose ends to tie up. My desire is to rush to "MY" destination but I'm learning to embrace God's pace and in the process am discovering the beauty of every blade of grass, the joy of the journey, and total surrender until I can fully answer this CALL. Pray with the fullness of your heart and thanks for sharing this wonderful post.