Bon Qui Qui? One in the same? No. Not at all. Just preparing you for what's to come :) Read on!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
St. Paul and...
Bon Qui Qui? One in the same? No. Not at all. Just preparing you for what's to come :) Read on!
Preparing for Conversion
This week started with a very special feast for me- The Conversion of St. Paul. I KNOW I've blogged about this before. The past 2 or 3 years this feast has been very significant for one reason or the other...mostly having to do with discerning religious life and transition from.
This year, I got to reflect on it a little in the light of grad school and also in the current goings on in my life (basically, that I am a 28 year old going on 82 year old and have freaking back problems which I've been dealing with for the past couple of months but have come to ahead this week. I wish I could say that the back behavior also affects my other geriatric tendencies of Wheel of Fortune watching and Snuggie wearing, but alas, I believe those aspects of my life are unrelated to the slipped disc).
On the feast of the Conversion itself, I had some good prayer time before my first doctor's appt this week. I went to Mass and then prayed with the Scriptures. The antiphons are really what struck me at Mass because they were verses from Paul that we prayed and sang with while I was with the sisters: "I know Him whom I've believed and I am confident that He will guard what He has entrusted to me until that last day" and "It is no longer I that live but Christ that lives in me". Always, Paul's trust and confidence and self-sacrifice all for the love of Jesus gets me EVERY TIME.
Tuesday I had my liturgical catechesis class that I've been mentioning and we used the first reading on Paul's actual conversion to start off our class. My teacher pointed out some of the characteristics of conversion:
- the intimate, revelation or 'light' of Christ that draws us and starts us on our journey
- the vulnerability that exists after (Paul was blind for 3 days and dependent on others, uncertain of what was next)
- the trust that God will finish what He started
- it happens with the help of others (Ananias had to help Paul understand what had happened and Ananias had to go through his own mini-conversion in order to trust that the Saul HE knew of wouldn't attack and kill him! Indeed. That's trust.)
I was particularly struck with the community aspect of conversion and Ananias' openness. I think I've often thought my conversions happened in seclusion- that sometimes no one else understands. But when I think about it, though Christ certainly prompts me, He does so through and with the help of others. And that we can't have these conversions alone, really.
Also, the openness that has to exist for a conversion to happen. Yes, God knocked Paul off his horse, but in that moment, Paul was open to hearing God's message (the scales fell, so to speak!) and to change. Ananias, too, as I already said, had to be open and trusting that God telling him to help Paul was the right thing to do.
So it made me of course question, how open am I to a conversion right now in my life? I think I am open, but am I really? I've really become quite content, thank you very much! Sometimes we even become comfortable as a defense. Hmmm... What would I do right now if Jesus really shook things up for me?
Okay, so yesterday I had an MRI because of this back craziness. I had never had one done before and so my nurse friends prepped me for the noises and close quarters that occur. Because of this preparation, I was less frightened. I know that I shouldn't be scared of doctor's appointments or procedures, but there is that loss of control because I don't know what is going on. I like to have the doctors talk me through a procedure- even if it's just filling a cavity- so I can be in the know and it calms me down for the 'unknown' to happen.
So thinking about that from a spiritual standpoint...I do believe Jesus wants us to be prepared for things. I think of the parable of the 10 virgins with their lamps and the 5 whom are not prepared for the Bridegroom. Jesus doesn't want that for us, he warns us to be ready. But then, he does crazy things like speak to Paul out of nowhere and walk on water- stuff like that. And this freaks us out! (which I've talked about before) No doubt, the fault lies with us (Jesus being perfect and divine and all ;) but there is some truth that being prepared for something gives us security (haha- Christine! SAH-KURITY. If you don't know, you betta ask...or watch this.... If you liked Pants on the Ground, I think you'll like Bon Qui Qui).
Where was I...oh, yes...security (hehe). But there are obviously times where we just have to hope and trust that we are prepared enough for whatever God wants to happen. We have to be OPEN for whatever God has in mind.
We know this, I just was thinking about it in a new way these past couple days. Thanks for the prayers for my back. I'm fine. You know I'll keep ya posted ;) 'Til then...
St. Paul, pray for us!
Peace,
Julia
This year, I got to reflect on it a little in the light of grad school and also in the current goings on in my life (basically, that I am a 28 year old going on 82 year old and have freaking back problems which I've been dealing with for the past couple of months but have come to ahead this week. I wish I could say that the back behavior also affects my other geriatric tendencies of Wheel of Fortune watching and Snuggie wearing, but alas, I believe those aspects of my life are unrelated to the slipped disc).
On the feast of the Conversion itself, I had some good prayer time before my first doctor's appt this week. I went to Mass and then prayed with the Scriptures. The antiphons are really what struck me at Mass because they were verses from Paul that we prayed and sang with while I was with the sisters: "I know Him whom I've believed and I am confident that He will guard what He has entrusted to me until that last day" and "It is no longer I that live but Christ that lives in me". Always, Paul's trust and confidence and self-sacrifice all for the love of Jesus gets me EVERY TIME.
Tuesday I had my liturgical catechesis class that I've been mentioning and we used the first reading on Paul's actual conversion to start off our class. My teacher pointed out some of the characteristics of conversion:
- the intimate, revelation or 'light' of Christ that draws us and starts us on our journey
- the vulnerability that exists after (Paul was blind for 3 days and dependent on others, uncertain of what was next)
- the trust that God will finish what He started
- it happens with the help of others (Ananias had to help Paul understand what had happened and Ananias had to go through his own mini-conversion in order to trust that the Saul HE knew of wouldn't attack and kill him! Indeed. That's trust.)
I was particularly struck with the community aspect of conversion and Ananias' openness. I think I've often thought my conversions happened in seclusion- that sometimes no one else understands. But when I think about it, though Christ certainly prompts me, He does so through and with the help of others. And that we can't have these conversions alone, really.
Also, the openness that has to exist for a conversion to happen. Yes, God knocked Paul off his horse, but in that moment, Paul was open to hearing God's message (the scales fell, so to speak!) and to change. Ananias, too, as I already said, had to be open and trusting that God telling him to help Paul was the right thing to do.
So it made me of course question, how open am I to a conversion right now in my life? I think I am open, but am I really? I've really become quite content, thank you very much! Sometimes we even become comfortable as a defense. Hmmm... What would I do right now if Jesus really shook things up for me?
Okay, so yesterday I had an MRI because of this back craziness. I had never had one done before and so my nurse friends prepped me for the noises and close quarters that occur. Because of this preparation, I was less frightened. I know that I shouldn't be scared of doctor's appointments or procedures, but there is that loss of control because I don't know what is going on. I like to have the doctors talk me through a procedure- even if it's just filling a cavity- so I can be in the know and it calms me down for the 'unknown' to happen.
So thinking about that from a spiritual standpoint...I do believe Jesus wants us to be prepared for things. I think of the parable of the 10 virgins with their lamps and the 5 whom are not prepared for the Bridegroom. Jesus doesn't want that for us, he warns us to be ready. But then, he does crazy things like speak to Paul out of nowhere and walk on water- stuff like that. And this freaks us out! (which I've talked about before) No doubt, the fault lies with us (Jesus being perfect and divine and all ;) but there is some truth that being prepared for something gives us security (haha- Christine! SAH-KURITY. If you don't know, you betta ask...or watch this.... If you liked Pants on the Ground, I think you'll like Bon Qui Qui).
Where was I...oh, yes...security (hehe). But there are obviously times where we just have to hope and trust that we are prepared enough for whatever God wants to happen. We have to be OPEN for whatever God has in mind.
We know this, I just was thinking about it in a new way these past couple days. Thanks for the prayers for my back. I'm fine. You know I'll keep ya posted ;) 'Til then...
St. Paul, pray for us!
Peace,
Julia
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Many and One
So after I wrote that rather ridiculous post yesterday and then actually did my HOMEWORK (aren't you proud, friends? I am blogging now AFTER I did my work ;) I found a few people who pretty much said what I was trying to say this past week a whole lot BETTER than I did. Namely because they are saints. Or on their way. (but aren't we all? Even if we are taking the "Augustine stance"- "Lord make me holy, but not yet?? ;)
1st- My subject title for this post is in referrence to a song (of course! Musical subject headings are my specialty ;) by Steve Angrisano whom I got to see again this last week and who has definitely been a gift and a help to me this past year. The lyrics to this song, seem to tie into this Sunday's 2nd reading: "We are Many, yet we are One. We are separate, yet bound in His Love." This bound in His Love idea I will revisit in a minute, but for now, it definitely adds reflection to Paul's idea that we each have gifts to share in the Body of Christ.
2.) St. John Chrysostom (Little known fact, "Chrysostom means 'golden-mouthed'. Now you know! Also, don't you think my teacher should give me an A+ this semester? Look at me applying my work... ;) was someone I had to research today and THEN I got a quote from him in the book I was using in prayer! LOVE when that happens!
Okay, so in that book that YES I HAVEN'T YET FINISHED by Cardinal Van Thuan he mentions St. JC's reflection on the '2 or 3 gathered in my name' concept and us being, if you will: "Many and One":
"What then? Are there not perhaps 2 or 3 gathered in his name? There are, yes, but rarely. In fact Jesus is not speaking simply of a material gathering....What he says has this meaning: if one keeps me as the principal motive of his love toward his neighbor, I will be with him...Today instead, we see that the major part of humanity has other motivations for their friendships; one loves because he is loved, another because he is honored, another because someone is useful to him...But it is difficult to find someone who loves for Christ, as one should one's neighbor...One who loves this way...even if he is hated, insulted, threatened with death- continues to love...."
This also ties into that 'Put a Ring on it' post I made last week. At least, looking at love this way and being connected to one another in Christ, I think helped me when I brought that thought again to prayer. Do we love to be honored? To be useful? Or do we see our call to love, in whatever vocation, truly that which mimics Christ?
I will leave you and ramble no more with this last quote that I thought awesome and appropriate today from C.V.T's infamous book (actually a quote from Chiara Lubich):
"If we are united, Jesus is among us. And this is enough. It is worth more than any other treasure that our heart can possess: more than mother, father, siblings, or children. It is worth more than a house, work, property, more than the works of art of a great city like Rome. Jesus in our midst is worth more than magnificent monuments, sumptuous mausoleums, or all the splendors of the Vatican; more than our soul!" - C. Lubich, Scritti Spirituali 3, Rome: 1979, p 176
Um, well said, Chiara. I couldn't have said it better myself. Clearly.
Until next time- Happy Sunday!
Peace,
Julia
1st- My subject title for this post is in referrence to a song (of course! Musical subject headings are my specialty ;) by Steve Angrisano whom I got to see again this last week and who has definitely been a gift and a help to me this past year. The lyrics to this song, seem to tie into this Sunday's 2nd reading: "We are Many, yet we are One. We are separate, yet bound in His Love." This bound in His Love idea I will revisit in a minute, but for now, it definitely adds reflection to Paul's idea that we each have gifts to share in the Body of Christ.
2.) St. John Chrysostom (Little known fact, "Chrysostom means 'golden-mouthed'. Now you know! Also, don't you think my teacher should give me an A+ this semester? Look at me applying my work... ;) was someone I had to research today and THEN I got a quote from him in the book I was using in prayer! LOVE when that happens!
Okay, so in that book that YES I HAVEN'T YET FINISHED by Cardinal Van Thuan he mentions St. JC's reflection on the '2 or 3 gathered in my name' concept and us being, if you will: "Many and One":
"What then? Are there not perhaps 2 or 3 gathered in his name? There are, yes, but rarely. In fact Jesus is not speaking simply of a material gathering....What he says has this meaning: if one keeps me as the principal motive of his love toward his neighbor, I will be with him...Today instead, we see that the major part of humanity has other motivations for their friendships; one loves because he is loved, another because he is honored, another because someone is useful to him...But it is difficult to find someone who loves for Christ, as one should one's neighbor...One who loves this way...even if he is hated, insulted, threatened with death- continues to love...."
This also ties into that 'Put a Ring on it' post I made last week. At least, looking at love this way and being connected to one another in Christ, I think helped me when I brought that thought again to prayer. Do we love to be honored? To be useful? Or do we see our call to love, in whatever vocation, truly that which mimics Christ?
I will leave you and ramble no more with this last quote that I thought awesome and appropriate today from C.V.T's infamous book (actually a quote from Chiara Lubich):
"If we are united, Jesus is among us. And this is enough. It is worth more than any other treasure that our heart can possess: more than mother, father, siblings, or children. It is worth more than a house, work, property, more than the works of art of a great city like Rome. Jesus in our midst is worth more than magnificent monuments, sumptuous mausoleums, or all the splendors of the Vatican; more than our soul!" - C. Lubich, Scritti Spirituali 3, Rome: 1979, p 176
Um, well said, Chiara. I couldn't have said it better myself. Clearly.
Until next time- Happy Sunday!
Peace,
Julia
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Save the Drama for Your Mama!
Bless my readers, for I have sinned. I have watched an UNGODLY amount of America's Next Top Model today!
My roomie and I love watching these girls and Tyra Banks for so many reasons. Every season the formula is exactly the same. The girls get a 'challenge' for the first half of the show, and the second half is a photo shoot. Before each segment, they get a clue from Tyra giving them a hint as to what the challenge or photo shoot will be. This clue is entitled 'TYRA MAIL'! Every week, it never fails. The girls SCREAM when they get their 'mail' from Tyra, and every week they are completely BLOWN AWAY when whatever set or situation they stumble into turns out to be a 'challenge'. (Ahem. For example: "Oh my Gawd, it was a CHALLENGE?! I thought we were just put onto teams and asked to put make-up on each other 'cause it's fun and we are being filmed and...oh." Sigh.)
This season I was watching today was cycle 12 or something equally ungodly like that. You think by Season 12 they would LEARN. C'mon, Girls!
So there was this one girl, who was actually pretty mature, and she was really talented at modeling, from what I can tell. But there was this OTHER girl who was less confident and not so good. The latter girl actually WON that week, though, and while the smart girl faired well, she felt the need to share with Tyra and the judges that winner girl had a expressed not wanting to be on Top Model anymore (GASP!).
PHEW! DRAMA, I know. Bear with me.
I thought the smart girl was being fair in sticking up for the girl being sent home and calling out the whiny girl. In her mind, it didn't make sense for someone who didn't want to be there to stay. Tyra, however, was not with me (Tyra and I differ on many accounts. One being I don't talk about myself as 'Mama' most days or 'smyzing' as my gift to the world)
Tyra called out the girl who spoke up because it was not this girl's place to judge. If the whiny girl wanted to speak up, she would have.
Eh, I get it. But I felt for the smart girl because- as we all know- when there is something unjust or unfair, we all want to SPEAK UP about it!
So where am I going with this?
Well, I certainly identify with the model who spoke up, but have also gotten burned many times for doing so (they almost sent her HOME next week for doing so! I know because I watched the next episode as well...um, yeah). There is a fine line between speaking up for what we believe in and then also letting things happen organically and not taking control all the time. Letting people speak for themselves.
This week was the March for Life. One of the cool things about living in DC is having the opportunity to witness our free speech in events like this. I think marching or protesting- for whatever cause- and letting your voice be heard in a silent stance or a purposeful walk- speaks louder than words sometimes.
But then there are, of course, times when we need to use our words as well. But its important to discern when these times are, I think.
I know my friend also spoke about this topic of evanglization on her blog ('sup, Gina!) and Father gave us alot to think about this too on retreat.
Time and time again, I feel like God has pulled a Tyra on me, calling me out when I think I was doing right and saying, 'leave ME to judge' (and Tyra certainly equates herself with God, but there I go judging...)
St. Paul in the second reading tomorrow (3rd Sunday in Ordinary Time) talks about each of our roles in the body of Christ. This is a good message to keep in mind when we are 'judging' others. To recognize that "if the body were an eye, where would the hearing be?" That we can't all be the same and our uniqueness keeps things interesting.
It is also is an assurance from God, too, that when we start to doubt our abilities or compare ourselves to others, we should know we each have a unique role and no one can contribute what we do the way that we do it.
I think that's a pretty pro-life message too. I didn't make it down to the March this year. I had class, and when I left, a 'wintry mix' was forming so I chickened out (it ended up being a really beautiful day, though! SO I was bummed I missed out).
In class, though- it's a psychology class- we watched a video on the 'baby's brain'. To know that each neuron in our brain is formed in the first four weeks of our conception and that each one is unique and as a special place to go and job to do- it's just amazing. Just another example about how science and faith DO go together. Of course, we have been given the gift of knowledge to learn how our brain functions, but there is something awesome to it that we can't explain. Like we know that each neuron has a function and we can explain it and maybe even explain how it develops...but who thought of that? Who created it? Ya know?
So I suppose I should cut even the Top Models some slack. They have their gifts and Tyra certainly has hers.
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is Good! (His Mercy endures forever) Phew! And I think I've just come full circle. I think I may have just made a good confession! ;)
Peace,
Julia
My roomie and I love watching these girls and Tyra Banks for so many reasons. Every season the formula is exactly the same. The girls get a 'challenge' for the first half of the show, and the second half is a photo shoot. Before each segment, they get a clue from Tyra giving them a hint as to what the challenge or photo shoot will be. This clue is entitled 'TYRA MAIL'! Every week, it never fails. The girls SCREAM when they get their 'mail' from Tyra, and every week they are completely BLOWN AWAY when whatever set or situation they stumble into turns out to be a 'challenge'. (Ahem. For example: "Oh my Gawd, it was a CHALLENGE?! I thought we were just put onto teams and asked to put make-up on each other 'cause it's fun and we are being filmed and...oh." Sigh.)
This season I was watching today was cycle 12 or something equally ungodly like that. You think by Season 12 they would LEARN. C'mon, Girls!
So there was this one girl, who was actually pretty mature, and she was really talented at modeling, from what I can tell. But there was this OTHER girl who was less confident and not so good. The latter girl actually WON that week, though, and while the smart girl faired well, she felt the need to share with Tyra and the judges that winner girl had a expressed not wanting to be on Top Model anymore (GASP!).
PHEW! DRAMA, I know. Bear with me.
I thought the smart girl was being fair in sticking up for the girl being sent home and calling out the whiny girl. In her mind, it didn't make sense for someone who didn't want to be there to stay. Tyra, however, was not with me (Tyra and I differ on many accounts. One being I don't talk about myself as 'Mama' most days or 'smyzing' as my gift to the world)
Tyra called out the girl who spoke up because it was not this girl's place to judge. If the whiny girl wanted to speak up, she would have.
Eh, I get it. But I felt for the smart girl because- as we all know- when there is something unjust or unfair, we all want to SPEAK UP about it!
So where am I going with this?
Well, I certainly identify with the model who spoke up, but have also gotten burned many times for doing so (they almost sent her HOME next week for doing so! I know because I watched the next episode as well...um, yeah). There is a fine line between speaking up for what we believe in and then also letting things happen organically and not taking control all the time. Letting people speak for themselves.
This week was the March for Life. One of the cool things about living in DC is having the opportunity to witness our free speech in events like this. I think marching or protesting- for whatever cause- and letting your voice be heard in a silent stance or a purposeful walk- speaks louder than words sometimes.
But then there are, of course, times when we need to use our words as well. But its important to discern when these times are, I think.
I know my friend also spoke about this topic of evanglization on her blog ('sup, Gina!) and Father gave us alot to think about this too on retreat.
Time and time again, I feel like God has pulled a Tyra on me, calling me out when I think I was doing right and saying, 'leave ME to judge' (and Tyra certainly equates herself with God, but there I go judging...)
St. Paul in the second reading tomorrow (3rd Sunday in Ordinary Time) talks about each of our roles in the body of Christ. This is a good message to keep in mind when we are 'judging' others. To recognize that "if the body were an eye, where would the hearing be?" That we can't all be the same and our uniqueness keeps things interesting.
It is also is an assurance from God, too, that when we start to doubt our abilities or compare ourselves to others, we should know we each have a unique role and no one can contribute what we do the way that we do it.
I think that's a pretty pro-life message too. I didn't make it down to the March this year. I had class, and when I left, a 'wintry mix' was forming so I chickened out (it ended up being a really beautiful day, though! SO I was bummed I missed out).
In class, though- it's a psychology class- we watched a video on the 'baby's brain'. To know that each neuron in our brain is formed in the first four weeks of our conception and that each one is unique and as a special place to go and job to do- it's just amazing. Just another example about how science and faith DO go together. Of course, we have been given the gift of knowledge to learn how our brain functions, but there is something awesome to it that we can't explain. Like we know that each neuron has a function and we can explain it and maybe even explain how it develops...but who thought of that? Who created it? Ya know?
So I suppose I should cut even the Top Models some slack. They have their gifts and Tyra certainly has hers.
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is Good! (His Mercy endures forever) Phew! And I think I've just come full circle. I think I may have just made a good confession! ;)
Peace,
Julia
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Put a Ring on It!
I said it. It had to be said. Somebody's got to say it!
Actually, we all know Beyonce said it first. And oh-so well, I may add. Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had the best...
Kidding, kidding! That is SO 2009. And I'm so 3000 and...fine.
So where am I going with this today, this EARLY morning reflection of mine?
I think I shared that part of my commitment from the retreat (new year's resolution if you will...how y'all doing with those, btw? Yeah, see, that's why I don't make 'em!) that I would commit to giving myself more time in prayer EACH DAY as to give myself more time and space for contemplation.
Of COURSE I have failed at this already. But that is not the point. I kind of knew I would. But that doesn't mean I don't do it at all and throw the goal of contemplation out the window.
Yesterday, I could've gotten up early and taken more time in prayer before Mass. I could've left at lunch and gone to the Shrine to pray. Of course, I did neither of those things and I was left with the 10 minute break between my 2 and half hour class to run to the chapel.
But it was 10 minutes well spent. Going to Caldwell Chapel on CUA's campus is, like Melwood, another one of those special Campus Ministry places. It has memories attached with it like late night rosaries with friends or gathering with 100+ students for praise and worship Adoration once a week ( I know- WHO AM I? Who does this? But I am so grateful for it). So I naturally think of many things all at once and recall those times when I go into that chapel to pray still as a student now.
I brought to Jesus this time of waiting- AGAIN. But realized that I'm really getting kind of GOOD at it and I'm starting to recognize what it can do. I always knew I wouldn't just settle for anything in life, but now He's really teaching me that. That I can wait and hold out for the RIGHT job, the RIGHT thing. And that even if these things never come, I still have something to hold onto or some worth. Good, right? Who knew?
Before I entered the convent, the sister's used a book called- Discovering Your Personal Vocation- inviting us to look at, not just religious vocation but our thoughts and desires as a PERSON. In other words...
Even if I am not called to be a religious sister- who am I to myself? to others? to God? Am I a daughter? a sister? a friend? What do those calls mean to me?
And in this time of waiting, I've discovered many things, but mainly that I can still have a personal vocation to be a minister or a teacher, even when I am not physically being NAMED that.
This idea of being marked kind of struck me today, I guess. Our society does this, and to some degree we have to. We have to mark those in public service so we know who to go to when we have a problem, are sick, etc. But we can't just take our identities in these titles, which is the problem I think we run into. It's like the readings from Samuel this week (how much do you LOVE them?!) "Man looks at the outer appearance, but God looks into the heart"
And I think that goes for our names too. Not our names like Julia, Therese, whatever. But like 'doctor' 'Mrs' 'Father'. Some names our society has certain conotations with, but if they are given to us by God, they don't necessarily have those conotations. They mean something different than just status or stigma.
Here I go with my liturgical catechesis influence, or media studies influence or whatever: (it is kind of amazing how both are all about SYMBOLS and messages they convey. One divine, and one secular- but SIMILAR!) Okay, so we were talking about symbols in my class yesterday and Sister- OF COURSE- used the symbol of a wedding ring. As if I haven't had enough reflection or experience with those these past 7 years (7 dresses, people! 7 down, 20 to go!) But she asked the simple question- what do the rings symbolize to you? And she (because I think she may hate me. Just saying) looks right at me.
I didn't have a chance for reflex. I did free association. I said the first thing that came to my mind (and surprisingly, I was well-behaved in my response!):
'Belonging'.
Huh. After I said it, I took a step back to reflect on 'what I meant by that'. I didn't mean like a possession, but I think that meant 'special'. But how funny, because can't we and aren't we special without a physical sign to designate us that we belong exclusively to someone or something?
Other answers were perhaps the more obvious- love, commitment, self-sacrifice (yeah, there was THAT guy. You had to be that guy. That guy with the holy, appropriate, RIGHT answer...ha ;)
So anyways, it gave me something to reflect on, meditate on, and hopefully, lead me to contemplation of belonging to Jesus regardless of physical designation. As humans, we need those signifiers. But can I be okay with not having a religious habit or a wedding ring to signify me as 'special'? Is what God calls me and marks me to be- whatever that is- enough?
"God looks into the heart..."
Peace,
Julia
Actually, we all know Beyonce said it first. And oh-so well, I may add. Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had the best...
Kidding, kidding! That is SO 2009. And I'm so 3000 and...fine.
So where am I going with this today, this EARLY morning reflection of mine?
I think I shared that part of my commitment from the retreat (new year's resolution if you will...how y'all doing with those, btw? Yeah, see, that's why I don't make 'em!) that I would commit to giving myself more time in prayer EACH DAY as to give myself more time and space for contemplation.
Of COURSE I have failed at this already. But that is not the point. I kind of knew I would. But that doesn't mean I don't do it at all and throw the goal of contemplation out the window.
Yesterday, I could've gotten up early and taken more time in prayer before Mass. I could've left at lunch and gone to the Shrine to pray. Of course, I did neither of those things and I was left with the 10 minute break between my 2 and half hour class to run to the chapel.
But it was 10 minutes well spent. Going to Caldwell Chapel on CUA's campus is, like Melwood, another one of those special Campus Ministry places. It has memories attached with it like late night rosaries with friends or gathering with 100+ students for praise and worship Adoration once a week ( I know- WHO AM I? Who does this? But I am so grateful for it). So I naturally think of many things all at once and recall those times when I go into that chapel to pray still as a student now.
I brought to Jesus this time of waiting- AGAIN. But realized that I'm really getting kind of GOOD at it and I'm starting to recognize what it can do. I always knew I wouldn't just settle for anything in life, but now He's really teaching me that. That I can wait and hold out for the RIGHT job, the RIGHT thing. And that even if these things never come, I still have something to hold onto or some worth. Good, right? Who knew?
Before I entered the convent, the sister's used a book called- Discovering Your Personal Vocation- inviting us to look at, not just religious vocation but our thoughts and desires as a PERSON. In other words...
Even if I am not called to be a religious sister- who am I to myself? to others? to God? Am I a daughter? a sister? a friend? What do those calls mean to me?
And in this time of waiting, I've discovered many things, but mainly that I can still have a personal vocation to be a minister or a teacher, even when I am not physically being NAMED that.
This idea of being marked kind of struck me today, I guess. Our society does this, and to some degree we have to. We have to mark those in public service so we know who to go to when we have a problem, are sick, etc. But we can't just take our identities in these titles, which is the problem I think we run into. It's like the readings from Samuel this week (how much do you LOVE them?!) "Man looks at the outer appearance, but God looks into the heart"
And I think that goes for our names too. Not our names like Julia, Therese, whatever. But like 'doctor' 'Mrs' 'Father'. Some names our society has certain conotations with, but if they are given to us by God, they don't necessarily have those conotations. They mean something different than just status or stigma.
Here I go with my liturgical catechesis influence, or media studies influence or whatever: (it is kind of amazing how both are all about SYMBOLS and messages they convey. One divine, and one secular- but SIMILAR!) Okay, so we were talking about symbols in my class yesterday and Sister- OF COURSE- used the symbol of a wedding ring. As if I haven't had enough reflection or experience with those these past 7 years (7 dresses, people! 7 down, 20 to go!) But she asked the simple question- what do the rings symbolize to you? And she (because I think she may hate me. Just saying) looks right at me.
I didn't have a chance for reflex. I did free association. I said the first thing that came to my mind (and surprisingly, I was well-behaved in my response!):
'Belonging'.
Huh. After I said it, I took a step back to reflect on 'what I meant by that'. I didn't mean like a possession, but I think that meant 'special'. But how funny, because can't we and aren't we special without a physical sign to designate us that we belong exclusively to someone or something?
Other answers were perhaps the more obvious- love, commitment, self-sacrifice (yeah, there was THAT guy. You had to be that guy. That guy with the holy, appropriate, RIGHT answer...ha ;)
So anyways, it gave me something to reflect on, meditate on, and hopefully, lead me to contemplation of belonging to Jesus regardless of physical designation. As humans, we need those signifiers. But can I be okay with not having a religious habit or a wedding ring to signify me as 'special'? Is what God calls me and marks me to be- whatever that is- enough?
"God looks into the heart..."
Peace,
Julia
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