Gotta Have...

"No amount of coffee, no amount of crying,
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you". - 'Gotta Have You' by The Weepies

(Disclaimer- I know some of you probably already disagree with this post because I know you loves your whiskey. And wine. As do I. These are GREAT temporary fixes and I fully support them. Just saying. :)

At the beginning of 2009, my roommates and I proclaimed this year to be the 'Year of Positive Realism'. Each year in the past that the two had lived together, they also proclaimed a theme for the year, so in following their tradition, I helped them come to this theme. This is a theme that we then try to achieve and apply to our lives this year. I think it's a good one. I think I probably already blogged about it at some point.

But shoot! It's JUNE already! Can it be 2009 is already at the half-way point?! And if I am taking stock, I don't know if I can say I've been living up to the year of positive realism very well, basically, because as I've said before- I'm not usually very positive :)

But you probably want to know why I started this blog post with the lyrics of 'Gotta Have You' by The Weepies. One of my roommates, for Valentine's Day, made us mix cds keeping with the 'Positive Realism' theme. This song was on it, and I find myself today singing it to Jesus.

In the song, the lead singer is singing to, presumably, her significant other about a fight they'd had or just their strenuous relationship on the whole. I feel I've certainly been picking lots of fights with Jesus this year myself. But in the end, I come back to those words- 'nothing else will do, I've gotta have You'.

Okay- totally switching gears now- I enjoy manual labor every once in while. A lot of what I do now, and what I did in youth ministry is very creative, a lot of writing and brainstorming- very in my head. Sometimes it's just nice to do no thinking and just something physical, like stuffing an envelope.

Usually when I do a manual task, I end up reflecting and thinking anyways, but then the thoughts seem more free and welcome because they are not necessary or contrived- does that make sense?

Anyways, so I'm stamping and stuffing envelopes today and the themes of surrender, and call, and positive realism- all these themes I've gone over and over again in my head and my prayer- finally seems to take effect as I'm staring at the envelopes and mailing labels. And I think and admit to myself:

"I couldn't have planned any of this. I couldn't have planned any of this. I have to trust this is where God wants me. I have to trust this is where God wants me..."

It's like one of those scenes from a movie where the main character finally realizes something. I think of Mean Girls where Lindsay Lohan's character figures out the math problem at the end of the movie to save the day: ('The limit does not exist! The limit does not exist!') Or maybe when Carrie from Sex in the City tries to get Aidan to finally admit he is still holding a grudge against her, 'You have to forgive me. You have to forgive me!' Anyways, I'm staring at this envelope pretty much doing the same thing.

And for the first time in I think all year- I ACCEPTED. Isn't that the first step in like 12 steps or something? Shoot...took me long enough...

THIS IS where God wants me. Here. Stuffing envelopes for this organization. In DC. Going to Daily Mass. Hanging out with friends. This is my call for now.

You guys are like, 'wow, Julia'... Pretty sure you've been blogging about this all year'. And it's true, I knew it. I knew this is where I was called for now, but I kept trying to change it or fight it. Today, I think I finally accepted it. Small victory!

I said last week that I was praying for the Gift of Fortitude this Pentecost . I believe that I have received it, and that is what is helping me finally accept what God has and is showing me this year. And I've seen once again that all my fighting won't do- I've gotta have You.

And a quote from St. Paul that a facebook friend had posted today also gave me inspiration:

"...hope is not hope if it's object is seen; how is it possible for one to hope for what he sees? And hoping for what we cannot see means awaiting it with patient endurance." Rom. 8:24-5

Well said, St. Paul! That kind of makes waiting seem like a good thing! Positive Realism, indeed!