So after a week of mediocre hoping and praying, today I finally felt a tiny glimpse of real honest-to-goodness hope in my prayer. Like today I actually believed what I have been writing these past weeks. I didn't get any new answers or insights, but just some peace. And when it comes down to it friends, that's all we really need. When God gives me peace about things, it makes my little self oh so much happier. It's the small victories.
Like today, I didn't swear at anyone on my drive into work :) Victory! And I didn't necessarily receive any new lights in prayer, but rather, some peace on the two main issues I've been praying for revelation about: ministry and vocation. Peace! Success!
No, folks, hope does not disappoint, as St. Paul says... Once we figure out how to actually give into the act of 'hoping' that is :) And the way I found it today was in surrender. Yup, no one likes to do it or admit that we are holding onto things. Even today I fought with myself to begin to give something over to Jesus, but He's shown me, as I've mentioned, ways He has come through in the past. So I said, 'Fine Jesus. I guess you can have (insert personal vocation ideology on what I should do with my life here).' Do I still have total and complete trust and hope in it? Not really. But if I keep surrendering it more and more each day, I do believe I will. And that is hope, I suppose.
St. Paul says it best (of course! :):
"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access (by faith) to this grace in which we stand, and we boast in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance,
and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us" Romans 5:1-5.
I love St. Paul. He's not afraid to put it all out there, weakness and all. And he's got the good stuff about peace and faith in there too. So that's what I tried to do again with Jesus today- put it all out there. And I will keep on keeping on with the whole 'surrender=hope' thing to perfect it.
Which leads me to think...(I have to bring in 'Abandonment to Divine Providence' again!) Jean Pierre de Caussade writes: "Perfection consists in doing the will of God, not in understanding His designs"
Shoot. I truly did surrender all that understanding stuff a while ago, that's for sure.
Hope you haven't surrendered understanding this post! Hope it made sense! Until my next attempt at rationalizing and analyzing God's designs....
Peace,
Julia
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