Weekend Update

I was driving up to New Jersey on Friday (yet another out-of-town trip! As a friend pointed out to me, I have consumed alcoholic beverages in about 6 of the American states in less than 3 weeks. Record?) for a Housewarming (or Housecooling as the case was!) of a close college friend. I put the ipod on shuffle as I was driving and this song came on and it prompted me to prayer.

Hold it Up to the Light (David Wilcox- also recorded by Smalltown Poets)

It's the choice of a lifetime - I'm almost sure
I will not live my life in between anymore
If I can't be certain of all that's in store
This far it feels so right
I will hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

The search for my future has brought me here
This is more than I'd hoped for, but sometimes I fear
That the choice I was made for will someday appear
And I'll be too late for that flight
So hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

It's too late - to be stopped at the crossroads
Each life here - a possible way
But wait - and they all will be lost roads
Each road's getting shorter the longer I stay

Now as soon as I'm moving - my choice is good
This way comes through right where I prayed that it would
If I keep my eyes open and look where I should
Somehow all of the signs are in sight
If I hold it up to the light

I said God, will you bless this decision?
I'm scared, Is my life at stake?
But I see if you gave me a vision
Would I never have reason to use my faith?

I was dead with deciding - afraid to choose
I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose
But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move
And trust that the timing is right
Yes and hold it up hold it up to the light
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

A couple weeks ago, I reflected on 'conforming to God's Will' and while God has a plan, He wants us to choose things (even though, we'd rather He just order for us sometimes ;)

The words of this song helped me articulate some of my thoughts of late:

"This is more than I'd hoped for, but sometimes I fear That the choice I was made for will someday appear"

Amen! We LOVE our choices. Our freedom. But sometimes we get overwhelmed by the choices and then we just get stuck or paralyzed by our fear. OR we fail to make commitments because we 'want to keep our options open'.

Having made some pretty important key choices in the past, I've kind of wanted God to take the lead for the while and steer me around. He's made it clear He's not going to do that.

So conforming ourselves to God's will is doing what this song says- moving and making our own choices (with the help of the Holy Spirit) but always holding our decisions "up to the Light" for God's blessing.

Because what the song says is true: "But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move"

We can't just wait around. We have to be actively passive.

So, Imma keep listening to the Holy Spirit, staying close to Mary, and checking in with God as I move. And:

"Trust that the timing is right" then "Hold it up to the Light".

My problem, of course, has been God telling me to stay put for the most part. I have come to realize that waiting is part of the move. Or as this Dirty Projectors (one of my FAV indie bands) says, "Stillness is the Move"

When the child was just a child
it did not know what it was
like a child it had no habits
no opinion about anything
maybe i will get a job
get a job as a waitress
maybe waiting tables in a diner
in some remote city down the highway

after all that we've been through
i know we'll make it after the wait
the question is a truth
there is nothing we can't do
i'll see you along the way baby
the stillness is the move

on top of every mountain
there was a great longing
for another even higher mountain
in each city longing for a bigger city

after all that we've been through
i know that i will always love you
from now until forever baby
i can't imagine anything better

isn't life under the sun just a crazy dream?
isn't life just a mirage of the world before the world?
why am i here and not over there?
where did time begin
where does space end
where do you and i begin?

This song is of course much more existential, but I like that sentiment that Stillness IS a "move". Sometimes THE move we make.

I have been moving and shaking amid my "stillness" lately, as you all know! This weekend was pretty EPIC, I must say. In a kind of ordinary but out-of-the-ordinary way.

While in NJ, I had the HUGE blessing of drinking a beer (or two ;) with my friend from college who a year ago was diagnosed with leukemia. And here he was with us- now married- and playing bocce ball. Hair grown back, weight gained, jokes being made. Such a blessing and yet another witness of God's faithfulness.

Then I drove back on Sat night to be home in time to play for a Mass Sunday morning and go to not ONE but TWO concerts.

The first was DIVAS! a show my dear friend was in which took us through the ages of great "Divas" in pop culture from Marilyn Monroe to Madonna to Lady Gaga to Judy Garland. Then, I saw another one of my fav indie rock bands, The National. If I could've designed a perfect day/weekend- I'm pretty sure it would've looked like last weekend.

"This is more than I'd hoped for...."

....so why fear?

Peace,
Julia